Boundaries have always been difficult for me. Boundaries have meant to me "excluding possibilities" or "closing doors to fabulous and wonderful adventures!" Boundaries have not been fun and exciting...enticing...exotic...ripe with opportunity...or something to revel in. Erroneously, I have believed that new and great possibilities only come without boundaries...without fences that hem me in. Until very recently, I believed this was true. However, I am discovering something quite new and exciting...boundaries actually provide incredible possibilities unlike the possibilities I ever experienced without boundaries.
I am learning how to not only enjoy the boundaries in my life but set boundaries with others. This calls me to step fully into myself, take up space, and give voice to who I am. I feel like I am being invited to indulge in life...the capital L version of Life that is. When I am contained within my boundaries I am beckoned to sink in to deep parts of myself that I only skimmed the surface of before. I get to explore the depths of these fenced in areas that are sublimely vast and caverness. I look around and think, "There is so much in here for me! Why would I ever want to leave!"
It is also terrifying to go into these dark places as I sometimes want to hop the fence and find a pasture that is freshly groomed and sweet-smelling instead. Showing up for myself in these dark and new parts feels hugely important for me...like I am a pioneer woman on the dusty trail seeking great fortune in the gold out West. I am starting to understand, however, that my "gold" is actually right where I am standing this minute. It is in every nook and cranny of my being if I allow myself the chance to just mind my fences long enough to be with it.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Searching for God
2007 was a year of searching for me...searching for something to give me solace for all of the challenge in my marriage, with my son, and generally on this sojourn called life. I did several things in 2007 to facilitate my hunt for the Great Mother and Father:
I joined a church...or rather, am in the process of joining a church. I attend weekly and to my surprise, I love love love going -- and not just because the minister is cute, smart, and hip! :-)
I purchased a bible...this was quite an endeavor. It was terrifying, troubling, and felt something like a subversive act for me.
I began a spiritual practice of morning dance to open myself to God...this I do with my friend Jenny two mornings a week at 6am in her studio. We've been engaged in this practice since April of 2007. In the summer months it was easy to get up, ride my bike to her house in the calm, warm air but now that it is blustery cold and dark, it has taken on a new level of meaning and commitment for me. Some mornings it is excruciating to crawl out of my warm nest into the cold house...to put on layers of clothes before starting my car...to let the car run for 15 minutes while I make a big mug of hot tea for my companion on the mile drive to Jenny's house. But, we are religious about this practice...and for the first time I'm beginning to understand what that expression means..."to be religious" about something....to be committed in the warm rays of the sun as well as the cold bite of the dark wind...to stay committed.
I also dance on Saturday mornings with a large group at First Congregational Church, Communidance...and although this takes commitment as well, it is not such a challenge to dance at 9am on Saturday. This practice has helped me to sink into the practice of movement and spirituality in new ways with each dance. It is never the same but always a great vessel for experiencing myself and witnessing others on their journeys home to themselves.
I have also found two books -- one very recently and the other several months ago -- that are tremendous guides for me in this process. The first, The Instruction Manual for Receiving God by Jason Shulman and the second, Make Me An Instrument of Your Peace by Kent Nerburn. These books hold such simple, profound wisdom they easily bring me back to a path more sane and pious than I've ever experienced in my life.
And finally, I have stopped praying to God to heal Toby. I have a different understanding at this moment that part of my lessons in this life are punctuated with our deep humanness -- which includes hurt, broken hearts, disappointments, joy, laughter, ecstasy, and illness. Toby's diabetes is simply part of what brings the richness of life into our home -- it punctuates both the feelings of despair as well as the periods of delight. Toby is helping me feel in to the depths of my own life in order to live my life fully and deeply.
Recently, a dear friend and like-minded spirit, asked me if I have any other names as "Jenny" just doesn't seem to fully fit. At first I thought to myself, Yes, I am a girl-child of the 1970's named Jennifer Lynn like thousands of other girl-children both during that time...Boring! But then I thought I want to engage myself...my commonplace name and my commonplace life, fully. I want to explore and experience every nook and cranny that this life offers me and no longer hold back for fear of being TOO MUCH...too joyful, too successful, too ecstatic, too upset, too fierce, too brave, too alive....
I want to engage fully and deeply what it means to be me...and what it means to be me held by the hands of God as I move through this world filled with opportunities to experience...to indulge in my humanness. Jason Shulman writes, "We need only embrace ourselves in conscious awareness, with deep knowledge and without judgment, to feel God." This is my continued work for 2008...
Wishing You A Joyful, Abundant, Decadent, and Deeply Human 2008!
I joined a church...or rather, am in the process of joining a church. I attend weekly and to my surprise, I love love love going -- and not just because the minister is cute, smart, and hip! :-)
I purchased a bible...this was quite an endeavor. It was terrifying, troubling, and felt something like a subversive act for me.
I began a spiritual practice of morning dance to open myself to God...this I do with my friend Jenny two mornings a week at 6am in her studio. We've been engaged in this practice since April of 2007. In the summer months it was easy to get up, ride my bike to her house in the calm, warm air but now that it is blustery cold and dark, it has taken on a new level of meaning and commitment for me. Some mornings it is excruciating to crawl out of my warm nest into the cold house...to put on layers of clothes before starting my car...to let the car run for 15 minutes while I make a big mug of hot tea for my companion on the mile drive to Jenny's house. But, we are religious about this practice...and for the first time I'm beginning to understand what that expression means..."to be religious" about something....to be committed in the warm rays of the sun as well as the cold bite of the dark wind...to stay committed.
I also dance on Saturday mornings with a large group at First Congregational Church, Communidance...and although this takes commitment as well, it is not such a challenge to dance at 9am on Saturday. This practice has helped me to sink into the practice of movement and spirituality in new ways with each dance. It is never the same but always a great vessel for experiencing myself and witnessing others on their journeys home to themselves.
I have also found two books -- one very recently and the other several months ago -- that are tremendous guides for me in this process. The first, The Instruction Manual for Receiving God by Jason Shulman and the second, Make Me An Instrument of Your Peace by Kent Nerburn. These books hold such simple, profound wisdom they easily bring me back to a path more sane and pious than I've ever experienced in my life.
And finally, I have stopped praying to God to heal Toby. I have a different understanding at this moment that part of my lessons in this life are punctuated with our deep humanness -- which includes hurt, broken hearts, disappointments, joy, laughter, ecstasy, and illness. Toby's diabetes is simply part of what brings the richness of life into our home -- it punctuates both the feelings of despair as well as the periods of delight. Toby is helping me feel in to the depths of my own life in order to live my life fully and deeply.
Recently, a dear friend and like-minded spirit, asked me if I have any other names as "Jenny" just doesn't seem to fully fit. At first I thought to myself, Yes, I am a girl-child of the 1970's named Jennifer Lynn like thousands of other girl-children both during that time...Boring! But then I thought I want to engage myself...my commonplace name and my commonplace life, fully. I want to explore and experience every nook and cranny that this life offers me and no longer hold back for fear of being TOO MUCH...too joyful, too successful, too ecstatic, too upset, too fierce, too brave, too alive....
I want to engage fully and deeply what it means to be me...and what it means to be me held by the hands of God as I move through this world filled with opportunities to experience...to indulge in my humanness. Jason Shulman writes, "We need only embrace ourselves in conscious awareness, with deep knowledge and without judgment, to feel God." This is my continued work for 2008...
Wishing You A Joyful, Abundant, Decadent, and Deeply Human 2008!
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