I am the first to admit that I am a bit of a food snob. Okay, those of you who know me are now laughing because I am a total food snob. :-) My bourgeoisie food tendencies run deep and began way before diabetes and are now punctuated by the constant food battles with my kid, other kids, other families, school, and generally society at large. Joy.
Now that we are well into our fourth week of kindergarten, we have been exposed to a cornecopeia of sugary and sub-par food choices in sexy packaging. Everything from vanilla shake milk (with high fructose corn syrup that is oh so nutritious) being offered in the cafeteria to PTA sponsored skate night with free sodas and ice cream sundaes and after-school fundraisers with rootbeer floats. Then there are the chocolate chip granola bars for snack along with the Shrek Go-Gurt and Capri-Sun. To be honest, if my kid didn't have this disease I would likely just eschew the battle and let him have some of this stuff. The fight would be exhausting everyday if I didn't have to do it. And although I want to run through the school halls screaming when I see candy being handed out to children for being good, I get that it is just another way for adults to show affection. Not to mention that most of us are completely addicted to the stuff. Many kids are excited to bring a special snack to school and want to have the Scooby Do fruit chews and Elmo juice boxes because it is fun.
Today while I was volunteering in Toby's class, they started passing out snack ("please let it be something he can have, please let it be something he can have...") -- prepackage crackers with cheez-whiz and Welch's grape juice (25 carbs per 6 ounces). Shit. I've started bringing Toby's own snack (so un-fun as a 5 year old) which was half a pear and cheese. As the juice was being poured in the Spiderman cups, Toby rushes up to me, "Mommy can I have some, pleeeease." Since I had just checked his sugar levels and he was 343 the answer was a sorrowful no..."but you can have some water in the Spiderman cup, honey". Tears. Big, huge sobbing tears.
I almost started crying too. God the injustice of it all! I just sat on the floor in the back of the classroom holding him while he cried and buried his little face in my shirt. I told him that he could have the crackers and cheez if he wanted along with his pear. For a moment, this was of no comfort but after a couple of minutes he smiled brushing his tears away with the back of his hand and went back to his chair. His teacher looked at me sympathetically and assured me that these big emotions only happen when I'm there for snack...not when the nurse comes in to monitor his sugar levels and give him insulin.
So it all just continues. It's an ongoing lesson in letting go, trusting, and trying to show up for my kid so he can fall apart when it all gets to be too much. And my Ego wants to be Right -- I'm Right And You Suck! You make shitty food choices for your kids! You make my life hard! It is your fault.... I can be so so small and want to throw all of my hurt at other people.
But, I'm getting better at holding my white-hot quivering ball of anger. Knowing deeply that it is not about the sugar underneath it all...it is about the world not being exactly what I want, when I want it. It's about being with my kid's pain and discomfort...as well as my own. And the big one, it's about learning how to not judge people for their choices around food or anything else. Oh right, that one is also about judging myself. :-) I'm still working on walking away from Judgment. At the moment Judgment is clinging to the bottom of my shoe like dog shit that, try as you might, you just can't clean completely off -- the nasty odor remains.
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